And I wonder, are you putting us under?

When all you want to do is run,
without looking around.

When all you want to do is run,
cause that's all you've got in mind.

I am a fugitive. I just don't know who's after me.

When the view is no more appealing to you,
cause all you want to do is run,
without looking around.

The idea of other things don't excite you,
cause all you want to do is run,
cause that's all you've got in mind.

cause you're not going to drown if you don't keep yourself away from the surface of the ground.
this time, I am not swimming my life away to get rid of a few pounds.
I am going to make it right, this time around.

The Dream.

I have all these dreams competing in my head. They all want to be fulfilled. They have been forcing me to pay attention to them since God knows when. I want to be an astronaut, I want to be a teacher, I want to be an event organizer, I want to be a musician, I want to be a writer, I want to be an engineer, I want to be everything that feels right at the moment.

So, what is it exactly that I want to be when I grow up?

There are just too many professions in this world that are too damn cool not to be wanting to be one. But now I think I know that there's a very simple answer to the question, an answer I just got today, from years of questioning, observing, and calculating. An honest answer that will be responsible for my future, an answer that will never do me any bad, an answer that will be the start of a new journey in my adult life. An answer that I am very proud of. An answer that will satisfy that 1 person I love the most :)

I want to be smart. I want to know the answers to every question. I want to know when to say when, I want to know when to say what. I want to know how things work. I want to know how come the world taste really bad when you don't have anyone holding your hands. I want to know how that little goodnight kiss could prevent nightmares. I want to know how to cheer up a broken hearted 10 years old girl, I want to know how to make a better world for her. I want to know how the world works, I want to know everything. I do really want to be smart, that someday in the future an adorable little girl will come up to me and ask 'Mommy, is it possible that two people can stay together forever for good?' and I want to be smart enough to know the answer to that question. I want to be smart enough to know she's having a boy trouble. I want to know everything.

I want to be responsible. I want to have the things that I am responsible for. I don't want to own it, I just want to be responsible for its existence. I want to make its world a much better place to live, so someday in the future it can create a lot more beautiful place of this earth. I want to play a role. I want to be responsible for a better future.

I want to be strong. I want to take the world and all of its burdens on my shoulders, so that there will be no pain left on this world. And with the world on my shoulder, I still want to be able to walk my way out through life, to run, to jump, to hug, to kiss, and smile. I want to be like a woman in labor, I want to take all the pain and still fight, to bring a new bright hope to this sick world. I want to be strong enough to handle all the problems and learn not to break, however far it is that I bend. I want to say 'I love you too' to the 'I hate you!' I want to say 'everything's going to be fine' to that crying little boy in a war, even though I know, I myself am burning inside from the all of these fires.

I want to love. I want to have the power to love. Cause love is the loveliest part of all. Like the news the world broke to us every morning, Love is all we need. I want to love like there is no tomorrow. I want to love like this moment is all I got and I have to spend my time loving. I want to love and never expect anything in return. I want to love like love is all I have. I want to love the minutes I spend with anyone and inspire them, I want to love the days that I am being the reason of their smiles, I want to love the idea of them being happy, I want to love the thought of them making it a better world for someone else, I want to love the warm hugs they give me when I say I love them. I want to love everyone even if I know what they have done. I want to love and never having to stop loving. I want to love like a mother.

So, If anyone should ever asked me what do I want to be when I grow up,

I want to be a mother :)

How Do I love Yogyakarta?

It's not only the Grebeg Kraton that makes me smile, it makes me feel like I am living in a world full of differences it wakes me up. It's telling me that I am not alone in this world. There are people like me, there are people unlike me.


It's not only the cuteness of this town, with it's own very unique buildings with their unique people, with those greedy markets, with those supermega-cheap food stalls everywhere.


It's not only the fact that every morning when the weather is good, a beautiful big mount is staring at me saying 'have a good day!' and it makes me want to learn more at school, so I won't feel so guilty for being too un-useful for this beautiful world.

It's everything. It's everything I see, smell and feel.

This town, it hypnotized me.

Well life, my friend... is a ride. to where? You decide.

I am the luckiest girl on earth and you know it :)

How Did We Get Here?

Congratulations that you made it here. I am glad that you did. Getting here wasn't easy. In fact, I suspect it was a little tougher than you realize.

"For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and curiously obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. For the next many years (we hope) these tiny particles will uncomplainingly engage in all the billions of deft, co-operative efforts necessary to keep you intact and let you experience the supremely agree-able but generally under appreciated state known as existence."

-Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything

And yes, my dear. You're lucky enough to get here. to have the access to actually get into this blog. to even read this. So many of our unlucky brothers and sisters are out there, dreaming to be able to read.

So many of the fetuses are not born, because things go wrong.

You should learn the process of how you grew in your smiling mom's womb. Since the embriology part, it wasn't so easy, not as easy as you think that making babies are easy. It's not that easy, either. Your Dads are gonna need enough sperms and powerful ones, your Moms are gonna need to have normal menstruation history, and they both are gonna need to be okay in all parts of their reproductive system to actually have YOU growing in your Mom's womb. And just so you know, i have spent my 6 months of life to study what could have gone wrong, and I am still working on knowing it all, but it's just too many things that could have gone wrong. But then again, the fact that you are reading this, means nothing went wrong in your case. Be thankful for that.

And there are still a bunch of more things that could have gone wrong after you are inside the womb. Do you know what happens the day your mom realized she's missing her period? it was probably the 3rd week that you are inside her womb. It's the time for the formation of germ layers and early tissue and organ differentiation, meaning that you are currently starting to build your very first organs. And what happens after that, is what really makes you. It's called an organogenesis, it's when you finally are building your organs, trying to make them work. Well, the actually working organs at that time was only your cardiovascular system, but still, the other organs are being built. And you have to know that there are a lot, i mean A LOT that could've gone wrong and you won't be here today, you won't be dating the cutest girl in town, you won't be listening to the coolest music there are, you won't even be able to exist. It only needs a little teratogenic stuffs to cancel your existence. But here you are, lousily reading this blogpost, means you survived the war of the fourth to the eight week.

There are so many more things, and i don't think you have enough time to waste another minutes on reading my shits, but if you want to know more about what happens before you, go check this out!

And do you have any idea how in the hell this universe even come into existence? It wasn't an easy deal, either.

It had once occurred to me with a certain uncomfortable forcefulness that i didn't know the first thing about the only planet i was ever going to live on. Didn't have the faintest idea, for example, (en example that i get from this book) why the oceans were salty but the Great Lakes weren't. I didn't know if the oceans were growing more salty with time or less, and whether ocean salinity levels was something i should be concerned about or not.

Well, after all, what i am trying to say here is that trying to get to know yourself better is not only a matter of knowing what you're doing best at, knowing what your passions are, knowing what element your souls are, it also is about knowing, and acknowledged that YOU ARE HERE. there has to be some specific and special reasons why you are here. cause God had gotten you through all this, all these things that could've gone wrong. He wants you. He wants you to do something on this cruel world. For once in your life, figure it out. The reasons that you are here. Cause it has to be something, and you know it. God whispers it in our souls. We are a split of God's after all, so lets just listen.

Remember how hard it is to get here,

Good luck on embracing your life!

Terlalu Tinggi untuk Dinamai

Kalau cinta bisa dilukis, pasti kanvasku habis.

terlalu banyak yang bisa kulukis, terlalu berwarna.

Kalau cinta bisa disapa, pasti ku panggil ia dengan namanya.

terlalu cantik bisa menyakiti, terlalu sakit bisa melukai.

Tuhan ada di sini, senantiasa menemani. iya, di dalam hati.

Aku tak berani tulis tentang Tuhanku di sini. Aku belum berani.

Jangan pernah lupa, kita akan selalu bersama apa yang kita cintai.

Cintailah Tuhanmu, Nabimu, dan Kitabmu.

Tenangkanlah hatimu karena mereka di sini, menemani :)

Do we really need to ask ourselves?

Whether we’re feeling good or not? Whether we’re in love or in doubt?